


Five Ways to Durin's Day

by Luckyhai5



Series: Conkersverse: Secrets of the Shire [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: AU, M/M, Surprise hugs, Thorin Has No Sense Of Direction, Thorin POV, possessive thorin begins, secrets of the shire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-01
Updated: 2014-01-01
Packaged: 2018-01-07 02:24:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1114404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luckyhai5/pseuds/Luckyhai5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I continue my cracky conkersverse with this. Bilbo explains the conkers as far as he is willing, then he and Thorin have a tiff.<br/>This continues to be idiotic and I am wasting my life ^_^</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Ways to Durin's Day

**Author's Note:**

> I decided that because hobbits call toddlers fauntlings, dwarves call them dwarlings.

Am currently standing next to circle of silent dwarves. (Mahal, I didn't know their mouths could stop moving, must be a miracle.)

Hobbit has explained conker madness.

Apparently in the Shire, playing conkers is less of a nostalgic pursuit for 'fauntlings' - which I believe are the equivalent of dwarlings - and more of an extreme blood sport.

Not that I can imagine the soft, gentle creatures indulging in such a thing.

Nor can I imagine this little hobbit being the Shire champion four years running.

"Oh no," He says, ever polite, seeing the looks on our faces, "It's not anything so barbaric as you're all imagining. No one really gets hurt if they have their wits about them. I mean, my cousin Otho broke an arm last year, but that's because he was too busy making eyes at Lobelia Sackville," the hobbit seems to shudder, that pleases me, "in the stalls. No, it's quite a civilised sport, but we hobbits do well to keep on our toes. I mean, how would we survive an attack if we cast aside our traditions like this?"

No one replies. Everyone is processing the fact that hobbits are basically conker-warriors from birth.

I am enjoying the fact that Bilbo seems to dislike this Sackville lass. In the past it has been brought to my attention that I can be somewhat possessive, but that's not why this pleases me.

Don't ask me why.

Bilbo continues. He seems flustered, babbling.

How adorable.

How I long to stop that pretty little mouth.

Anyway.

"Of course, naturally, we hobbits are very secretive, more so perhaps than even you dwarves! So I've told you about this because you've seen it anyway, but that was all I'm going to say."

His mouth settles in a firm line and his eyes meet mine, like he is challenging me to argue.

Oh, the impertinent little hobbit doesn't know who he's playing with.

"Halfling!" I bark, satisfied when he jumps a little at my voice. I enjoy shaking him up. "While this is fascinating, I have not brought you with us to be told, or not told, about hobbits and your ways. Next time, don't get yourself into such a situation. You've caused the Company to forego a night's sleep."

A good king is always hard, can't be seen to show weakness. Must take hard-line views and allow no criticism.

Glare at hobbit to compound point.

Hobbit huffs, waves arms in the air in frustration.

Hobbit turns on heel and storms off.

What?

That hasn't happened before.

Suppress urge to wildly look about myself to check if we have somehow entered a bizarre and alternate universe, or ask Dwalin and Balin what on Arda is going on.

I issue a put-upon sigh, muttering darkly about hobbits and glowering; I've perfected the look and no one will bother me.

Next I march off after the hobbit.

He's a quick walker, I'll grant him that - I've been walking in the direction he went in for a little while now, and still not caught up.

I hear a noise behind me, pulling out my sword and turning swiftly.

It's the hobbit.

He smirks at me. "You're not known for your sense of direction."

What?

Very insolent.

I really ought to teach him manners - no, must focus. I can explore the idea later when I go to 'collect firewood'.

Must regain control of situation.

"Halfling, come back to camp. Wandering off like this endangers the whole Company."

Hobbit frowns, pouting. He looks a little upset.

Well, now I really just want to bundle him up, cuddle him and then fuck him five ways to Durin's Day.

"Come now, halfling." I soften my tone a little - just a fraction really, it still sounds like a command - and reach out to touch his shoulder and steer him the right way.

Wee tears spring from his eyes as he squeaks, "Don't call me halfling! And that's the wrong way anyway!"

He just stands there, in front of me, sobbing.

Mahal, this is awful.

I feel bad now.

"My apologies, Master Baggins." I say slowly.

I hope he realises how much of a big deal this is.

I'm King Under the Fucking Mountain.

I don't just apologise to anyone.

He smiles up at me through his tears. Bloody adorable.

"That's alright, Master Oakenshield. Please call me Bilbo."

Well, there's no saying no to that horrendously cute, hopeful face.

"Of course, Bilbo." The next bit is difficult for me to say and comes out sort of mumbled. "Please call me Thorin."

Haven't done niceties in a while, okay?!

Leave me alone.

Insane-but-adorable-why-the-fuck-am-I-sending-him-into-a-dragon's-lair hobbit barrels into me, wrapping his arms around my chest.

I believe this is a hug; gingerly place my arms around him and try not to seem too awkward.

He shouldn't really be hugging me.

Not that having his body all pressed up against me isn't a lovely sensation...

Must stop that train of thought. Could have very uncomfortable consequences, what with our proximity.

Hobbit draws back eventually, still smiling at me.

He laces his fingers through mine. "Come on, Thorin, I'll lead you home."

Are hobbits all very touchy-feely? I didn't think so.

Is it possible that Bilbo Baggins is... coming on to me?

No.

Of course not.

That's crazy.

We get back to camp and many eyebrows are raised by our hand-holding.

I glower, eyebrows come down very quickly.

Hobbit drops my hand and skips off to speak to Kili.

Why is he speaking to Kili?

Are they friends?

Since when have they been friends?

Remind self to reign in possessiveness before I explode.

Balin is giving me that judgy look. He knows me too well. It is tiresome.

Interesting exchange with the hobbit, nonetheless. Still intrigued by his strong wrists.

Maybe tonight two trips to collect firewood will be required. I am such a selfless and providing king.


End file.
